I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what day is it and did you see me today?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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