it was like eating out sand paper
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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