Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
