I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He shit in the fireplace
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
