im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
