girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i will never coherently bang her
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
