Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
