Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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