Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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