I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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