I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
sarcasm needs its own font
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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