Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
