I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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