Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
