I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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