I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
