im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
