haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize