Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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