matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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