nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
