New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
