If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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