: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
