Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
