my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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