I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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