I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
People in love make me want to vomit
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
