you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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