WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
