i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
