nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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