so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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