Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
