I'm really into asian looking animals
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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