god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We are two peas in an std pod
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
