im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
