you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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