I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
