I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
