If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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