u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
