you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
