Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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