Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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