I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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