Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
