I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize