Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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