TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
