you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
