how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
