Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
