I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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