New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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