I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
