we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
