i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
