my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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