she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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