Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
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