Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Vodka?
Forever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize