My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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