I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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