I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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