From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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