one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
